Another reason I love my dog

Friday 10/12/2007
3:33 p.m.

Sidney is the best dog EVER. Yesterday I forwent going to the gym so I could spend some quality time with my bitch at the park. As soon as we park the car she started freaking out, like she was dying to get out of the car. So, I let her out and she goes nutso, running over here and running over there like she's never been let outside before. Well, I guess she got this mad spurt of energy, because she took off running down the hill pulling me behind her. We finally stop at the bottom of the hill and take a breather.

So, all is well, we're strolling along... cross the bridge... get on the trail. Wait, my pockets feel lighter. Something is missing. But what is it? My phone! While fat ass was pulling me down the hill, my phone must have fallen out of my pocket. Great! So, I search the hill as I take Sidney back to the car. I leave her in there and start scanning the grass. After about 30 minutes I get pissed and decided to take Sidney home. It's her fault I lost it and I don't want to hear or look at her anymore.

So, I drop her off, go to the gas station, call boycotter on the pay phone, get mad some more and head back to the park before it gets dark. I start at the top of the hill and try to cover every inch of ground that we walked. By this point I'm starting to get really upset and I start to cry a little bit. Well, of course everyone else at the park is all happy and jolly, skipping, whistling, high-fiving. It is painful for me to walk past them and try to muster up a smile. So, the wind is blowing, the sky is gray, it's cold and the sun is rapidly setting. I'm almost back to the top of the hill and I hear this noise. No, it's probably just one of the runners mp3 players or a car stereo that I hear. Stop. There it is again. It kind of sounds like Herbie Hancock. Stop. It starts again. Oh my god! My phone! I was so happy. I NEVER have my ringer on and always keep it on vibrate. God must have been looking down on me because for once my ringer was on. Thankfully boycotter kept calling or I never would have found it. Thanks B.

Fast forward... I get home and Sidney has that "I just did something bad and I'm going to get in trouble for it" look on her face. I go into my bedroom and see that she has eaten a tube of lipstick... on my bed. WTF!!! When is this madness going to stop? Fast forward again... I'm in the living room and I look over and she's eating another roll of toilet paper. She doesn't even care. She just took it off the top of the toilet, brought it into the kitchen and started going to town. At this point I know hitting her isn't going to work. So, I calmly got into her face and degraded her until I couldn't think of anything meaner to say. I'm going to eat some toilet paper with my dinner tonight just to see what the appeal is. Maybe I should start wiping with Clorox wipes. She probably won't eat those. Psycho.