11:02 a.m.
I know I've posted several times how awesome my dog is and how much I really love her. Well, my feelings for her grow stronger with each day. And yesterday is no exception.
I knew it was going to be an awesome day when I woke up to see that it was 7:40 a.m. I set, or so I thought, my alarm clock for 6:00 so I could get up extra early. The day before, my car battery died and I wanted to jump start it and take it in to the Honda dealership to get my battery replaced before work.
Wrong. So, I get out of bed, freaking out, jump in the shower, get out and throw on my bathrobe. Sidney was acting like she was about to pee all over herself, so I opened the door to let her out. "ARF, ARF, ARF (imagine this sounding more like a dinosaur than a dog)." Well, some stray dog was snooping around the parking lot and as soon as Sidney sees it, she takes off running after it into the neighbor's yard. Which neighbor? The one who threw a shovel full of dog doo at my house. Yay! So, here I am barefoot, in my bathrobe, wet hair, with a brush in my hand, running into the neighbor's yard, screaming at my dog. The whole time she's viciously barking at the poor stray. I finally get her fat ass to come to me and she will NOT get out of the yard. I try pulling on her and all the hair on her back stands up and she growls like she's going to bite me. So, I start kicking her in the butt hole and beating her with the brush. Finally I get her to come home and I beat her some more. She did not like that and she started gnarling her teeth at me.
I talk to her in a goo-goo ga-ga voice so she will stop, then I grabbed her face, keeping her mouth closed and I bit her. Yeah, you read that right. I bit my dog. How dare she act like that towards me. I'm not having it.
So after that whole ordeal, I had time to throw on some clothes, make a pot of coffee, eat a waffle, jump start my car and make it to work only 15 minutes late. Hooray!
Fast forward. I get home after work to find toilet paper all over the den. This fat pig ate another roll of toilet paper (she ate one last week, as well as a box of tampons). Not a half used roll or the cardboard center of the roll, a brand new fully fluffy roll. Gone. Should I spank her? I don't really see a point.
Later in the evening boycotter and I got takeout. We're sitting in the living room, enjoying our meal. Boycotter goes to the kitchen to get a paper towel. While he's gone, fat pig eats the top bun off his sandwich. OH MY GOSH!!! I swear this fat hog would eat anything.
So, of course I get mad and start screaming at her, "You f****** idiot. You stupid fat b****. I hate you..." And so forth and so on. So, I try to put her in the bathroom and she tries to bite me. She actually tries to bite me. Her teeth grazed my hand. OH SNAP! That's it. I look for anything to hit her ass with. I can't find my broom, so I pick up the dining room chair and pretend like I'm going to hit her with it. Yeah, I know, this seems a little psychotic. But you have no idea what it's like living with this bitch. Anyway, she won't budge and is still growling. So, I went to the closet where her food is and used the goo-goo ga-ga voice again. She comes over, thinking I'm going to feed her and BAM. I put her ass in the closet and turned of the lights. I left her in there for an hour or so. Of course she cried like a little baby and then she started breathing really heavily like she was running out of air in there or something. Sorry Sidney, I have no sympathy for you. Your little tricks don't work with me.
I finally let her out when I was getting ready for bed. I'm giving her the silent treatment today. This morning she was all moping around the house like she was depressed or something. Serves her right. Bitch. I'm about to go home for lunch soon. I'm sure the couch will be gone and she will have an odd lump in her stomach like when an anaconda swallows a person.
So, if anyone is interested in owning a chocolate lab, give me a call.
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