1:26 p.m.
My favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning is wake up at 6:30. Seriously. So many people stay in bed until 10:00 or 11:00, practically wasting the day. Not me. I'm up before the sun. Well, maybe only on this Saturday.
Being the genius that I am, I decided it would be a good idea to have a yard sale. The weather will be nice, people would be out and about and I was sure to have huge success. Wrong. After about an hour and a half, we had our first customers of the day. 1st thing they do, bitch about our false advertising. I mistakingly wrote "$2.00 Set" on some towels that matched. I wrote "set" because they matched. Well, if you are confused, a set means washcloths, hand towels and big towels. We "shouldn't mark things a set if they ain't a set." Uh, excuse me granbitch. They were dishtowels. Do you really have multiple sizes of matching dishtowels? Chill out. It's game day. Moving on.
We had a roll of duct tape on the table that we had used to put prices on. The lady was all like, "How much for the tape?" And I was like, "Huh?" "The tape. How much for the tape?" "Oh, the tape's not for sale." "What's tape cost? A quarter?" "Well, it's not for sale. We were using it." "Well, why you got it up here on the table then if you ain't selling it? You don't need to have things out that you ain't gonna sell." "I'm sorry. We were using that. We were also using the scissors and that permanent marker..."
(this is why she wanted it)
Okay, seriously? You want to buy a roll of tape, used nonetheless, at a yard sale? The boycotter had a half eaten waffle and after they left he asked if they wanted to buy that too. That was pretty funny. Oh, and this reminds me of something I said that trumped him in funny.
My mother has this habit of buying clothes when they are on sale for less than $5.00. It doesn't matter what the clothes look like, if they are the right size, anything. And it doesn't matter that every time she does this I never like what she buys and always tell her DO NOT buy anything else. It's a compulsion and she will never stop. Anyway, one time when I was in high school, she comes home from a day of shopping and says, "Oh, I got you a shirt that was on sale. It only cost a quarter." A quarter? You got a shirt that only costs a quarter? Awesome. She reaches into her bag and pulls out the most heinous floral creation I have ever seen. It was a tan shirt with with purple and orange flowers on it.
Heinous. However, she was so proud that she found such a bargain. A shirt for only $.25. Wow. Needless to say, I never wore the shirt. And she wasted a quarter. I think the money would have been better spent on a gum ball - the kind that the flavor only lasts for like 5 minutes, then it expands and gets really hard in your mouth (Ooh, that kind of sounds like something else. I should watch my phrasing a little more.) So, now to the funny thing I said. In reference to the shirt (it could have been any item for $.25 and she would have bought it), I asked, "If I take a sh** and mark it for $.25, would she buy that?" That's funny right? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Anyway, the yard sale brought out several interesting characters. We had some knives for sale, which we were a little wary of.
Some lady was saying how she really needed knives, but just couldn't buy them. Her ex husband apparently did something really bad with knives, which has created this phobia in her about having them around the house. She said her son liked to cook a lot, but he was always complaining that there were no knives to cut the food with. Weird.
And then (and it is just now that I am making any sort of connection between these two people) a lady and her two daughters stopped by and bought every fork we had - probably 12 or 15. She said that she always buys forks, but then they end up disappearing. She said she has tons of knives, but no forks. Then she let us know that she was moving her family to Vegas.
So, here's what I get out of all of this: Woman number 1 was married to some psycho who probably threw knives at her, cut her and threatened to kill her.
She finally had enough and filed for divorce, as well as pressing charges on her husband for spousal abuse. The husband, now ex-husband, spent a few years in jail. This is where he met woman number 2. Her ex-husband and baby daddy was in jail with Mr. Knife. While visiting her ex, who was in for many more years than Mr. K, she established a relationship with Mr.K.
source
She started visiting him more than her ex. She wrote him letters and baked him goodies, brought him cigarettes, made him mixed tapes, etc. Mr. K is getting out of jail soon and woman #2 decides that he should come live with her and her girls. Things are going great... for a while. Then she notices that all of her forks are missing. Well, it isn't that her forks are missing. It just seems that way because Mr.K is putting more knives in the drawer. He's obsessed. Well, after a few months of bliss, Mr.K starts treating woman #2 like he treated woman #1. Woman #1 has already dealt with enough bs from her first husband and decided she better get out while she can. She files with the witness relocation program, which is soon moving her to Las Vegas. I'm a genius.
Other than the knife ladies, and the woman who wanted to buy tape, we only had a few other customers. The sale was not what I hoped it would be and we each walked away with about $30.00.
After the sale, we took about 8 bags of crap to the Goodwill. We decided to go in to look around. You know, we just got rid of all of our crap, now we had to go look at other people's crap. While we were there, some they put out some of the items we brought in - wine rack, basket, bread box. As soon as they put them out, this lady made a v-line for the cart and picked up everything. Are you serious? Where was she when we were having our sale? And Goodwill was even charging more. It's funny how people get their panties in a wad if you price something for a buck or two more than they want to pay. But put the same crap in a thrift store and jack up the price, gone in 60 seconds. Ain't that a bitch. At least it was for a good cause - tax deduction.
No comments:
Post a Comment